9 Things That Sound Like April Fools Jokes (But Sadly, Aren’t)

Kassia is fond of saying that around ‘Loper HQ, April Fools isn’t a day, it’s a season. However, this year, real life has gotten in the way, so in honor of that, I’ve decided to point out a few actual real things that are far more absurd than most of the jokes you’ll see today.

Let’s begin, shall we.

• Continuing Record Company Cluelessness About the 21st Century
  Last week, there was an article in Entertainment Weekly about the rush-release of the new Gnarls Barkley album. Apparently, the fact that it leaked online a few weeks early caught Atlantic records by surprise.

  ”I wanted to hunt down the person who leaked the album, drag ’em into the street, and beat ’em,” says Atlantic Records president Julie Greenwald, not mincing words. ”It wreaked havoc on all of us…. The marketing plan went out the window. It was like a state of emergency, chaos, and anarchy.”

  Somehow, the fact that a much-anticipated release by an artist whose last record was a monster worldwide crossover hit might be leaked online never crossed anybody’s mind? And it when it did, it was like a state of emergency? Really? Look, not only should the leaking of the new Gnarls Barkley not have caused the marketing plan to be tossed out the window, it should have been the marketing plan.

• Cat Galaxy
  I love cats. But you know why I love cats? Because, unlike the humans who are into stuff like Cat Galaxy, cats could care less about all of that anthropomorphic cutesy crap.
• Jeff Zucker’s Promo For My Name is EarlI really love My Name is Earl, and I’m looking forward to seeing it come back, but this promo actually makes me look forward to it a little bit less. This is one of those things that must have sounded better on paper than in execution, but once it was done, Earl creator Greg Garcia couldn’t very well tell his boss, “you know what Jeff, nevermind.”

  Let’s just say this: it’s one thing for Tina Fey to make fun of all of the bullshit synergy and product placement that NBC Universal foists upon her show; but it’s another thing entirely for the guy who is responsible for all of that bullshit to make fun of it.

• TWOP’s “Telefile” Blog
  Speaking of bullshit synergy, it pains me to report that the “Telefile” blog over at Television Without Pity — which was turning into an essential daily read — has instantly degenerated into nothing more than a traffic generator for the Universal co-owned Hulu.

  Hey Bravo! Don’t you think that we notice this stuff? Do you really think that the people who loved that site are really that stupid? Wait. Don’t answer that.

• The Ubiquitousness of The Hills Girls
  Who are these people? And why are they everywhere? I’ve never seen The Hills, but what I can tell, it’s like some evil genius at MTV decided that what they really needed was The Real World populated with nothing but Paris Hilton clones. Gee,thanks?

  On the other hand, you gotta love a country that is so democratic that it insists on making stars from people who aren’t very smart, aren’t very good-looking and aren’t very talented. Or at least, you would love it, if these people weren’t so obviously spoiled, vacuous and awful.

  Remember when Bart Simpson said about Generation X: “We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!” These people have their very own Vietnam, and it hasn’t helped.

• That “Handlebars” song
  

  Not nearly as deep as it thinks it is.

• The Inexplicable Ongoing Death of Star Trek.com
  One of my favorite April Fools traditions was seeing what the people at Star Trek.com had come up with. And not just because (full disclosure) I occasionally contributed to it, but rather because they came up with funny stuff that always walked up to the line of being disrespectful, but never quite crossed over.

  Of course, if you check it this year, you get nothing but the burned-out hulk of site stupidly killed by CBS last Christmas. Which, BTW, still has a banner that says that the upcoming Star Trek movie is coming out this Christmas, despite the fact that it’s been pushed back to next May. How difficult is it to update a banner ad? If I was JJ Abrams, I would be screaming about this at every single marketing meeting I attended.

  Once again, I’d like to reiterate Medialoper’s ongoing offer to purchase the startrek.com domain. We even know some experts on the subject who would help us rebuild it into a great site again, instead of the near-forgotten retarded kid in the basement that CBS has let it become.

• Two words: Ryan Seacrest
• Life on Mars Still Isn’t on DVD in America
  Why is this? Can anybody explain this to me? BBC America obviously hates me: first they show this amazing show all chopped up so that they can litter it with commercials, then they bury it in late December when nobodys paying attention, and finally, they won’t put out a DVD.

  And while we’re at it, I’m still waiting for the rest of the Larry Sanders seasons, as well as Cupid. And Rox would like seaons 2-4 of Everwood. This is at least part of the reason people go to Bittorrent. Release it now. Everywhere. Forever. Thanks!!