This week, millions of people will be participating in one of our most cherished democratic rites: choosing the next American Idol.
And unless there is another fluke of “Since U Been Gone”-like proportions, that winner will go on to have a completely inconsequential career, annoying us with hype far beyond even any actual sales.
And yet, and yet, as evil as Idol is, it’s just a swaddling babe in the woods compared to the grandaddy of all bad music contests — the Eurovision Song Contest. For a half-century, it’s been foisting upon the world acts such as Lulu, Abba and the Shivery Silvery Queen of Melisma herself, Celene Diononnwaoonnnonnnnwwwaaaoonnnnnnn.
It’s pretty much the World Cup of Bad Music. OK, the European Cup, anyways.
Usually, of course, that Bad Music is Abba-y pop and/or Dionesque ballads (cf. American Idol), but there year, there is a twist: the winner is a Finnish hard rock band, Lordi.
Lordi? Lordy, lordy. Somewhere, Satan is laughing, and Finnish Death Metal purists are aghast. And, of course, the clergy weighed in:
The leader of Greece’s powerful Orthodox Church deplored the mock-Satanist rock band’s victory, saying the contest result “shows that people are seeking something to prop themselves on and fill their empty souls.”
In his Sunday sermon, Archbishop Christodoulos asked, “Who would have expected that the first prize could have gone to those who showed up (looking) like monsters, like Satans? Is this art?”
“Also, Mock Satan? Delicious! Try it with sourdough,” was what he didn’t add.
However, the Finns were reportedly pouring into the streets to celebrate their victory. And why not? The sun doesn’t even set until after 10:00pm in Helsinki. You gotta enjoy those long days while you have them! I think that is actually the first law of Finnish Death Metal, though I could be wrong.
Anyways, do you think that the people of Sherman Oaks are going to do the same thing if Katharine McPhee wins? Hell no!
You know we are living in a world of diminished returns when Music Snob Central Pitchfork Media decides that this is all for the best. And the sad thing is, they may actually be right.
After all, even mock-Satanist death-metal, is better than Celine.
- Pop Acts Facing Off in Eurovision Contest
- Finns Celebrate Monster Eurovision Victory
- Metal.com’s Finnish Death Metal Special
- Lordi: “Hard Rock Hallelujah”
- Sunrise and Sunset in Helsinki
[tags]Death Metal, Lordi, Satan, Eurovision Song Contest, American Idol, Pitchfork Media[/tag]