What I Learned From The Oscars Last Night

I usually watch TV for one of two reasons: to be entertained or to be educated. Last night’s telecast of the 79th Annual Academy Awards certainly couldn’t qualify as entertainment, so therefore, it must have been educational.

Therefore, I present what I learned from watching the Oscars with some of my fellow ‘Lopers last night:

• I’m only one degree separation from last night’s host. Before the telecast, Kirk told the story about the time he interviewed Ellen DeGeneres. It was back in the KFSR days; Ellen had just won some HBO College Comedy award, and was on a tour of college campuses. So she came into the KFSR studios to do a taped interview, and apparently Kirk didn’t find her amiably bland schtick as amusing as she had hoped. So, after taking a small garbage can and slamming it to the ground, she stormed out. That’s the nut of it: hopefully Kirk will elaborate in the comments.
• Steve Carell is always funny. Always. In every situation. In a way, he is the anti-Ellen.
• Forrest Whitaker was more fun on the Golden Globes when he was unprepared and couldn’t put two words together.
• Nothing clears the room at a ‘Loper get-together faster than these words: “And now, Celine Dion.” Lets just say that the entire amount that I paid for the TiVo Series 3 was worth it to be able to fast-forward at that point.
• Peter O’Toole & Nicole Kidman have same plastic surgeon: Dr. Shinycheeks.
• And speaking of Peter O’Toole, it’s damn shame that he will never win an Oscar in his lifetime. “So is this, but occasionally I have to run some water through it.”
• Lou Dobbs is right: we let those Mexcians into our country, and pretty soon they’re winning all a bunch of Oscars that should have been won by Americans!!
• If God is responsible for Jennifer Hudson’s Oscar, then He’s also responsible for her oversinging. So bad on you, God.
• How can we be sure that these are the Green Oscars?? They’ve been blessed by Al Gore!! More doing and less saying, please.
• Why they used to have the Supporting Actor and Actress categories awards early in the telecast. Didn’t they?
• Why the great Ennio Morricone is a musician, as opposed to an actor or writer. Apropos of nothing: there is a great lost B-Side by Wall of Voodoo called “The Morricone Themes.” It was on the 12″ of “Mexican Radio.”
• That Hollywood would abandon their Obamamania in a second if Al Gore decided to run. Especially if he made Scorsese his VP nominee.
• What Christopher Connelly was doing there. Oh wait, I never actually figured it out.
• The silhouette dancers really missed an opportunity when they failed to recreate Prince at the Super Bowl. Put it this way: this performance was certainly more memorable than Snakes on a Plane.
• Finally, here is something that I already knew, but that Kirk learned last night: Martin Scorsese had never won an Oscar. The Aviator lost to Million Dollar Baby; Goodfellas lost to Dances With Wolves (Dances With Fracking Wolves!?!) and Raging Bull lost to Ordinary People. Luckily for the man who might just be the best director of motion pictures who has ever lived, this year, there weren’t any actors nominated for Best Director.