In the latest indication that the entertainment industry has completely lost its grasp on reality, a coalition of forces lead by the MPAA has enlisted a pair of well trained dogs to help fight the war on piracy.
The program, which began testing this week, was announced by a press release that can only be described as surreal.
Program co-sponsor Raymond Leinster could hardly contain his excitement:
This is the first time dogs have been used anywhere in the world to search for counterfeit DVDs and the results were amazing.
The dogs can sniff counterfeit DVD’s? Those must be some incredibly smart dogs.
Or maybe not.
FedEx was glad to assist in Lucky and Flo’s first test in a working situation. They were amazingly successful at identifying packages containing DVDs, which were opened and checked by HM Customs’ representatives. While all were legitimate shipments on the day, our message to anyone thinking about shipping counterfeit DVDs through the FedEx network is simple: you’re going to get caught.
And the message to everyone else who ships legitimate DVDs through the FedEx network is equally clear: Use another carrier.
I’m sure this program makes sense in some sort of “if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about” sort of way. In the real world, though, we still have a need for this thing called privacy.
I do occasionally ship DVDs via FedEx and I expect them to arrive on-time, in one piece, and unopened by anyone except the intended recipient. I do not expect them to arrive late, damaged, and covered in dog spit.
Since when did sending optical storage media become a “suspicious activity”? And just who exactly is determining what constitutes “legitimate”? When my unmarked DVD-R containing proprietary project data gets checked, does that mean someone actually loads the disc into a computer and begins rifling through my confidential data?
And why in the hell is the war on piracy so important that the rights of individuals no longer matter?
What’s great about this is that I can now use FedEx to send cocaine and heroin and pot and human organs and nuclear waste knowing that the dogs will be busy sniffing out Kirk’s personal and confidential DVDs.